The End

Last week was a whirlwind.  She was having a hard time swallowing and resting and walking. 

Was this the cancer or the side effects of the medication?

I don't remember what day she went into the hospital, I think it was Wednesday.  I went Thursday.  She was able to sit up and talk to us.  We talked about all kinds of things like normal.  The family, dumb stuff in the news...how hard it was to get her out of the house.  The wheel chair is too big and the door jams are too narrow.  Then we talked about modifying her bedroom and the spare room to make it one big one with a good bathroom.  We talked about her going home and how to make it better.

I went home that night and the precious men in my life brain stormed with me.  We talked about a social media blitz to raise the funds to do the upgrades to the house.  My dear son talked about how we could sell plates of food and if we sold them for $10 each, we would only need 3000...

The next day, Friday, I finally got to talk to my friend's Mom at her house, no listening ears.  I told her of our great plan to make the house ready for her to come home.  She is such a precious lady.  She tenderly let me know that we wouldn't be doing that.  She would not be coming home this time. 

Can't fix this one.  Can't make it better. 

Ok. Ok.  Breath.

Later that day, Mom texted to let me know that the PA suggested Hospice for comfort only to be shut down hard.  THERE was my girl.  Fighting this thing again.  BUT really, she does not have a choice in this matter and doesn't seem to realize it.  The scans have come back to reveal a tumor pressing on her trachea and esophagus.  Pushing them into a U shape. No more chemo or radiation.  Nothing else can be done now.  It is too aggressive. 

Saturday I got to be there for the day with her.  Her sister came down from up North.  Niece from town, A high school friend. Dad made it to town late that night.  Of course, Mom. 

We talked and laughed and tried not to cry.  The Doctor came in to speak to her and let her know that with the morphine...there were risks.  DNR/DNI, was she ready for that?  Did she realize that was what she was explaining?  It was surreal.  She said she understood.  We all did.

She was in so much pain.  Trying to breath.  Oxygen, Morphine.  Mostly sleeping or resting her eyes. 

It was time for me to go.  It was time for all of us to go.

The next morning (Sunday) at 9:05 I got the text from my friend that her precious sister had finally let it go.  It was over.  

Held in the arms of her Mom and Dad, she took her last breath.  Her sister and niece were by her side. 

She touched so many lives with her driving force and fierce love.

I truly hope we all showed her how much we loved her back.

The Elephant

It has been a rough go for my friend lately. 

Too many words to write.

Always - the elephant in the room.

How much longer can she take all that medication they are pumping her with?

How much longer can the chemo and the radiation and the steroids keep these tumors at bay?

How much longer can she tolerate the side effects of all of it?

I don't ask her.  I just wonder.  It makes me pray. 

To you who may be reading who is facing an elephant...just keep praying.  God knows.

It's not about Me

We got to have another girls' night at the hospital last night.  I DID take the cookies this time!

There is some new and terrible language we are learning about a 'tumor burden'.  I don't even know if I completely understand it, but it seems like a cluster of grapes - except they are small tumors.

There is a cluster pressing on her chest causing her to have breathing difficulty and there is one on her back that they are just starting to figure out.

That is where the facts stand.  She is fighting so dang hard.

But, then we talked about her nieces and nephews and how proud of them she is.  About how things are tasting that are strange and funny and about finding plain chips in a BBQ bag.  Just random life stuff.

She did say something that made me really think and I share it so that maybe someone else can learn also.

She has a friend who lives in another state.  My friend's perspective is that to her friend - she is like a trophy sick friend.  Like - someone for her friend to talk about and fuss about.  Their friendship doesn't seem to be built on any thing other than the illness updates.

I don't ever want to be that friend.  Maybe that person doesn't even know what she is doing so I want to be gracious - though I feel protective.

My take away and what I would share...just be a regular friend.  Talk about stuff that isn't about doctors, medicine, or side effects.

What made your friend you friend?  Talk about that. Friendship is a two way street.  I need to keep her up on my stuff too.  That is what friends do and I know it is a connection to regular life.

Of course, there are days when I am just there to listen and not gab about my 'stuff'.  Again, that is normal in 'regular' friendships also.

My friend is not a victim and doesn't want to be treated as one.  She is fighting hard and that is an indication of living.  That is a good thing.

This may sound strange but we don't walk around talking about our 'black' friends, 'Chinese' friends or 'divorced' friends...why would we designate our 'cancer' friend?

And yet, I did.  That is the title of this blog.  The balance is so fine and I am consciously aware of it.  I am mindful to her and in our community of friends, but here I am laying it all out.  She is a different kind of friend.

While it is not about me, she has taught me so much...so much she may never know.  I don't want to miss that fact.  Really though she has helped me to be a better friend to all of my friends.

More conscious, more listening, more loving. 

Who Needs Shampoo when you are Bald?

I wanted to stop by and see her this week, so I texted her that I would be, 'leaving the ship in about 10 minutes'...

Smart phones have a funny way of making things ridiculous sometimes.

To that she responded, "Star command, beam me out in 10! Will you take me with you when you return to your world?'

That caught a lump in my throat for some reason.  I know (I think) she was just being funny.  Ship should have been shop and we both knew that.  There was something there though.

I did just want to scoop her up and take her back to my world with me, in so many ways. Back to healthy, back to living, back to her own house and space and job and friends and eating whatever she wanted and on and on.

But for now, back to reality.

I did go by and she was in a great mood.  We laughed again about the text and other stupid texts that we have sent and received in this day and age of smart phone typing.  One I asked my 17 year old son if he wanted 'breast' with dinner.  Clearly, that should have been bread...good grief.

Recently she had to move her room around and came across her supply of extra shampoo...to that we all rolled around laughing...

...she is so bald at this point!

Retyping it doesn't sound half as funny.  Sometimes you have to laugh so you don't cry. 

Trying to psych herself up to go back to the hospital on Monday for another 3 day treatment...which means another girls night in the hospital.  She said the last one about did her in.  She said she felt like she was a cancer patient and that she didn't know how she was going to make it through.

To that I just listened.

To you - whoever you are that is reading this - just listen.  Laugh, cry and listen.   

Girls' Night in the Hospital

Girls' Nights have changed.

So, my friend is a fabulous cook.  AND, loves movies so we had a formula for a great night even in the midst of chemo treatments.  At least every couple of weeks we would make a plan.

I would go over to visit and she would cook for me.  I always felt like I should be cooking for her...but she insisted. I loved to sit at the kitchen counter and watch her prepare.  Things needed to be just so and it was always worth it, delicious.

We would eat our faces off and then watch a movie and catch up.  Always followed by dessert.

Now, I am NOT a movie watcher, I think I mentioned that before.  She is a BUFF!  Knows actors, dates, etc.  Good movie picker.  But one night it was my turn to pick.  We scanned through several and I randomly thought Quarantine would be a good choice.  No idea what I was thinking.  It was scary and horrid and grotesque and VERY low budget.  We laughed ourselves silly with the ridiculousness of it.  Needless to say, I don't pick now...fun memories though, we still laugh.

Right now she is in a series of chemo treatments where she goes for three days in the hospital and then has three weeks off at home.  During that time she is very vulnerable and can only have visitors that haven't been exposed to sickness, etc.  For the last month my son and husband had battled nasty coughs, so I couldn't visit while she was at home.

I did go each week she was in the hospital.  Last time, I asked what she needed, wanted or was craving....Subway cookies.  So I grabbed some of those and headed over.  Her taste buds are all whacked out due to the chemo.

The hospital bed is uncomfortable on that stay and the fan is broken.  Dumb girls' night.  Cookies were good though.  :)  She smiled.  

She had good nurses that time.

So this week she was back in.  Time for another girls' night.  This time her blood sugar is screwy and when I asked what she was needing she said she couldn't have anything.  We tried to joke.  I said that carrots were stupid and I wasn't going to bring them...

I try to be strong when it has been a few weeks since I have seen her.  She looked so tired.  I didn't want to let go when I hugged her.   Even now I am trying not to cry and I write.  Instead of a movie, we had Fox News on in the background and the beeping of the machine that kept saying she had air in the line.  Random nurses drawing blood and scurrying about.

I was having all of these random thoughts about what I could take her.  Flowers aren't ok during certain times due to what she is taking, and no sugar, she wasn't really hungry, and really she doesn't need anything.  Just a visit. Still.  I wanted to give her something.  This time just a big hug.

The nurses were good to her this time, paying attention to what she needed.  I was grateful.  The nurses can make or break a stay...that is a whole different post.

She was discharged while I was there and I got to walk her out while the nurse pushed her wheelchair.  As she loaded up we were talking about the next girls' night and what she is going to cook me...she remembers that I can't have coconut - but promised something delicious...

Us

I was just going to try to move forward with my thoughts but was reflecting on the past and who she is.  Well, the parts I know and am getting to know.

She never got married - though she felt love, I know she has also felt pain.

She never had children - though she is a wonderful aunt.  She has strong ideas about how kids are raised though and we have fun talking about what a mess kids can be, I have two. 

She used to have a job.  She got sick and then laid off.  THAT wasn't a great month. 

She used to have a house of her own.  She ended up needing to give it up to short sell.  (read the above statement again) She lives with her parents now and has an amazing mom that I wish was mine.  I was with her the day she cleaned it out.  Hard to give up personal space and control over where stuff goes. 

She quit smoking.  I was so dang proud of her for that.  Addicted to suckers for a while.  Loved the pineapple ones.  Now she is free of it all. 

She has strong political opinions that make for interesting conversations and she is not afraid to post controversial comments out and about on blogs and such.  I love her passion when it comes to politics.  I love that she isn't afraid to throw it out there to talk about.  I agree with about 90% of it, but tend not to be so bold.  I have learned from her example.  Sometimes you just gotta say it!

She has strong religious views.  I love that too.  She isn't a church goer - but a Jesus follower.  I know her faith is strong.  I know her hate of hypocrisy is strong also.  Somehow it makes me feel blessed that I get to be part of her life in spite of whatever hypocrisy she may see in me. 

She loves games and puzzles.  Which is actually how we met, paying cards.  Funny, I don't love games so much.  Hard for me to sit in one place for too long.

Sometimes that is the part that hits me the most.  Why don't I make more time to just sit and play the dang card games?  What is so stinking important?  Living my life.  Living.

Mostly, I don't want to say stupid stuff

This is such a big and personal story.  Mostly, it isn't mine though.  I want to be careful and thoughtful.  If someone finds this blog, I hope it is a blessing.  I hope someone can learn something and perhaps gain a perspective that they didn't have before.

I won't go back to the beginning, but try to move forward.  I think.

But, the beginning matters.  When I met my friend...she was just the sister of an actual friend.  Not really my friend.  When I met her, she didn't have cancer.  I remember that we played cards on New Year's Eve.

That was a few years ago. 

Since then she was diagnosed with lymphoma. 

Since New Year's Eve we have become friends and now I see her more than I see her sister. 

Now I see her in the hospital and get pictures texted to me of her tumors.

Often, I don't know what to say.

Mostly, I don't want to say stupid stuff.